Yesterday, I had the chance to finally wash my hair and lather my body. The Chinese confinement month wasn’t over, but since mum said ok, as long as I finish up with the herbal bath, I went ahead. While in the shower, as I started to get all emo as I looked down at my now empty stomach. What used to be a round ball, has been replaced with a 20cm wound and a bit of flabs. I started to cry… because I missed our shower routine which I started sometime near the end of 2nd trimester. Then, Little Foot inside my belly would start fidgeting when the shower water reached my tummy, and I would sing her Itsy Bitsy Spider together with some hand movements over the tummy to calm her down. Now, there’s no need to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider when I shower anymore, and the silence in the bathroom sure is deafening. I cried and sang the song one last time… to the empty bathroom.

Little Foot still loves the song when I sing it to her. I am hoping that she subconsciously remembers it, and all the other little routines I have created for her when I was expecting her.

This deep sense of detachment from baby after delivery, I think only mummies can tell you how it feels. I used to be like “ok, I can’t wait to get her out”, but now I wish, I just wish, we were going for our dates together again, whether it was a walk to the MRT station, a shopping trip down at Orchard, or taking a car ride or watching The Voice together.

9.5 months felt really long when going through it but now, I am thankful that I had all that time with my baby exclusively. Long consoled me yesterday, and also kindly said, “you can’t hog baby…gotta share with us!”

I’m thankful for an understanding husband… Thankful that this is the only kind of post-natal emotions that I have… no depression, no anger. God has been kind to us.

And now, baby is 8 days old.  I’m a proud mummy, sharing the photo of her smile I managed to capture this morning.

Love my little family to bits.

Our dearest Little Foot arrived on 6 Dec 2014, weighing in at 2.645kg and 47cm.

Went through an emergency Cesarean Section after we got stuck at 4cm dilation from 5pm onwards, after inducing the birth, breaking the water bag, and starting the epidural at 920am.

Haven’t blogged since the birth. As you can imagine, her arrival was so much joy and then subsequently a lot of adjusting and attending to her needs.

I wish I could say I am coping well. I actually thought I was coping well… since I wasn’t really shagged out with the frequent waking up, and am happy to nurse her as often as she needed. I wasn’t getting all moody and cranky like some women would after delivery. Yet sadly, my milk supply doesn’t seem to be enough. The jaundice is creeping up on her, and we’re going for a 2nd follow-up at the polyclinic for that in few hours’ time. The last visit, the doc suggested that she wasn’t having enough milk.

Last night, she bit me…. I guess her appetite increased, but my milk supply didn’t. And so we caved in and agreed to feed her the bottle, with the 1/2 ounce that I managed to pump out in between her feeds. She wiped that out in 5 seconds, and then looked at us for more. I never thought I’d obsess over this, but it was a heart-wrenching moment saying, “Ok, give her the formula milk”.

So we caved in to the bottle and we caved in to supplementing with formula milk.

I guess whatever is best for baby is the right decision, but I just woke up at 3am to cry. It’s the hormones I swear… but I really truly miss her. With the bottle, she can now sleep in her own room with the confinement lady, instead of beside us in her cot. I miss the tiny precious presence in my room, breathing in the same space. I miss sitting up despite the pain from the stitches just to see her angelic face sleeping soundly.

It’s only Day 6, and I’m already going all emo over our little girl,  the little girl that the gynae pulled out of my stomach and made me stream tears of joy when i heard her kitten-like cry for the first time while lying on that cold table paralysed chest down by epidural. It’s only been less than a week since I was lying down in the delivery suite hoping for the dilation to happen and to meet her soon… praying and crying with Long when it didn’t happen and we decided to do the C-Section with the gynae’s advice.

All those moments are getting fuzzy as we start adjusting to life as three. I just hope that courage and wisdom will continue to stay with me as I learn to override my emotions and make the best choices for baby Emma.

I just went to check on Little Foot who was feeding from the bottle in the living room before I started blogging, I guess I have to learn to not obsess about it and learn to let the confinement lady take care of her at night too. Hopefully I’ll have milk in the day for her and we can play in the day.

One day baby, you will talk back to me, even bitch at me like how I do with my own mother at times when she gets into ridiculous mode… One day you will tell me to set you free into the world to be an adult and just watch you soar from afar… The day will come when you give me heartaches when you choose your friends and then a special someone over your mummy and daddy. When that day comes, I will try to remember you in your first weeks of life, all angelic and so cute, we both kept remarking that we can’t believe we created someone so cute and perfect.

I guess I now understand a mother’s love… the love that makes me spring out of bed, ignoring the pains from the operation wound the moment I hear a squeak from your cot, the love that makes me say “I can do this”, when she cries for milk, even when I’m sore all over. The love that made me not swear or push you away because you bit me… the love that made me say “Make sure you choose her over me if something goes wrong in the operating theatre and you have to make a decision”.

Love you to the moon and back, my Little Foot…. and maybe even more than that.

I won’t forget all the dates we had while you were in my tummy for 38 weeks. Thank you for giving me a new perspective on life…thank you for being so brave during the 12.5 hours labour.

To my dearest Little Foot,

Today Mummy and Daddy went to the hospital to see the gynae. Finally Dr Teo is back. He told us you are ready to come anytime now after some checks which was a little painful.

So we shall be checking in tonight after midnight to the delivery ward… this means that if all goes well, by this time tomorrow, you will be out of my tummy and in my arms. We can finally meet you face-to-face, hug you and kiss you.

To be honest, I’m scared. If the pain is going to be 10x worse than what I felt this afternoon, it will be too excruciating.

And I’m scared too, of all the “what ifs”…

So I’m writing you this note, a little note to tell you how much I loved you from the first time I knew you existed inside me. the warm fuzzy feelings that you have given me, the side of me and Daddy that you have brought out since you came into our lives as a little black spot on the ultrasound screen. It has been an amazing journey.

I wish for you a peaceful and smooth sailing life.

I wish for you good health and happiness always.

I wish for you a good-natured temper just like your Dad’s.

I wish for you all of God’s blessings, with Mother Mary and all the angels and saints watching over you as you sleep each night, as you take your first steps, as you grow into a bright-eyed young woman, as you venture into life and embrace it.

I wish for you never to lose awe of the wonders of God’s work in this world… to always see the positive and the good in all things that come your way.

I wish for you true grit in life, just as I have, so that you will never give up on what’s important to you even when faced with setbacks and disappointments.

I wish for you a big heart, kindness and empathy, that you will learn to spread God’s love around you.

And I wish for you simplicity. Never be like me who think too much, just be like Daddy, who takes everything in his stride.

Life is unpredictable my baby, and that’s why I nicknamed you Little Foot. I hope that you will be just like the Little Foot in The Land Before Time, who never lost his true nature, never turned back on his friends, never gave up.

I’ll see you soon my dearest daughter. I pray that you will be a good child of Jesus, be a good child of ours, and a good girl to this world.

Remember this love that we have for you my baby…. I hope that when you grow up, you will find the courage to go where your heart leads you.

I love you, to the end of the world and back. Always.

With Love,

Mummy J