One of those nights…

After a busy weekend (as always), I have just jumped on my bed like it was a trampoline thrice in the last two hours. With Little Foot in my arms. Singing “Jesus loves me”.

Makes for a funny sight I’m sure, but my frustration at this disturbed sleep which has been occurring the last few days is real. 

I guess this is the sleep regression the other mummies speak about. Learning too many things in the day, being over-stimulated while out in the day, play too much in the day, all affects baby’s sleep. 

Although I’m resigned to the fate that she may not sleep through the night anytime in the near future (seems like a common problem for co-sleeping and direct-latching babies), this sudden wakes and bawl (with eyes shut) is really mentally, physically and emotionally trying. The only way to pacify her is to jump up and down on my bed like a mad woman. And then she falls into a fitful sleep in my arms. 

So now… second time with her asleep in my arms, sometimes fidgeting… going to be challenging to put her down without waking up.

One thing’s for sure. It is going to be a loooooong night.

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Life without help

It is Day four of helper’s two weeks home leave… Actually the real challenge started on Monday since weekend the papa is around.

I’m already tired. Actually I’ve been tired for a long time.

I find I hard to explain to those who scoff at this remark. Why other stay at home mum’s (sahms) can do it, while I need a helper when I only have one baby.

It is too tiring to explain – especially when I know it’s not going to change their mind about how they judge me – that I have spinal issues and a poor health history. Yes, strong – willed people can also be sickly.

Even with help,  I have a mostly direct-latching breastfed baby which means no one can help me much when it comes to feeding, especially the night ones.

I envy those who can handle 1, 2 or even 3 kids on their own. How they do it is beyond me.

After every bath of Little Foot’s,   I just want to go somewhere and lie down / catch my breath. Remind myself each time “do not fall over or drop her!” I enjoy the bath times though… it’s one of those things I want to be able to do for her everyday.

Little Foot is quite the little explorer, but this time alone came at a period where I will be hit by sudden bouts of breathing issues… maybe it’s the haze, maybe it’s my backache. Naysayers will say it’s all in my head. Maybe it is?  So there will be little exploring to be done these two weeks. I feel apologetic about it, but safety first, I remind myself.

Two months left to return to work, yet I have not only not recuperated, but seemed to have deteriorated… It bothers me. Trying to take it as one of those hurdles in life…and just keep saying “for her sake, I must and I can go on”. And pray.

I wish I could do this singlehandedly without a sweat, just like others make motherhood look like a walk in the park, but the body is weak.  Now i can only hope to wing it with sheer grit.

Trust me, some days, it does get depressing when I think of how useless I am.

So to the next person who wants to judge me for being a sahm with maid. I pray each day to be able to watch my girl grow…. would you trade your good health for my broken body? If not, just zip it already.

And so.. 10 days to go before Aunty Lily is back… GOD, keep us safe ok?

Unconditionally

“Love is unconditional”.

In my youth,  I hear this A LOT from people around me. Movies and drama tout this… youngsters in puppy love want to find someone who love unconditionally.

I tell you, that “unconditional” state can only be achieved in a parent-child situation.

Think.  Would you put your nose to your  boyfriend’s ass to check if he took a crap? Would you wake up 10 times a night because your boyfriend is hungry/feeling cranky/need to go to the loo?

Motherhood makes me tired like a zombie, yet unable to sleep sometimes because I’m afraid she might wander off the bed if I KO. Motherhood makes me ready to take the hit if we should both fall and doing my best to prevent that fall from even happening in the first place… in essence, motherhood shifted my priority from me to her.

So to all the young girls out there…. (I was there once, a long time ago). Someone already loves you unconditionally. it’s the one who changed your diapers, fed you, protected you when you were a helpless little one. And with that confidence,  go ride a rainbow, chase your dreams, soar like an eagle. That’s when you will attract a partner who wants to take up the challenge of loving you more than your parents can.

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Little Foot with Papa Long on Sunday.

My simple 34th

I turned 34 while the nation celebrated its  Golden Jubilee birthday.

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Here’s me babywearing Little Foot with my birthday gift, the SG50 Exclusive Garden Bee Tula.

Unlike Singapore where it was all SG50 fever, mine was one of the more muted celebrations. I think as I grew older, I didn’t need a party to celebrate.  My kind of party this year? Family.

Becoming a mum and celebrating for the first time as a mummy, I realised the true meaning of a birthday is to say Thank You to the one who laboured for hours so that I could exist, and no better way than to spend it with her. I must thank my mum for making me that special National Day baby , so I never had to study or work on my birthday.

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My mummy & my baby.

This year’s wish is simple. I hope we can always be happily together.

Really, life’s priorities becomes simpler and clearer when one gets older. I guess I grew up :)!

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The most precious people to me.

So a happy birthday to me. Looking forward to the day Little Foot can wish me happy birthday personally and the day she hands me a birthday card / gift.

P.S. I do miss having a good drink on my birthday this year.

Shoutout to my dearest Panda Mummies

Little Foot turned 8 months old yesterday. Seems ept that my entry at this milestone be dedicated to a group of very special friends who has journeyed with me since the tail end of my pregnancy – The group of 12 mummies and 13 babies, we call ourselves the Panda Mummies.

We were there for each other from the day we hooked up to discuss our photoshoot. It was good to have someone who was going through the same phase in life… we all started to countdown and wait anxiously for “something to happen”. They cheered me on throughout my delivery (Yes, they were actively on Whatsapp with me while I was being hooked up to the epidural machine), stayed up together to chat while we nursed our babies/ pump milk, felt my pain as I encountered engorgements, hormonal screwups, shared advice and tips when I was at my wits end whenever something cropped up – baby dropping hair, baby poo poo, baby never poo poo, baby reject bottle, baby reject me, baby having fever.. baby wants to be carried all day… the list goes on and on. Where no one else understood,  they always did, or at least made me feel like I am not as mad as the world thought me to be.

Whenever I think of how a group of random strangers can get together because of 1 common factor – our babies were predicted to be born in the same month – I am amazed and extremely thankful.

So a BIG shoutout to my panda mummies group. Thanks for being my pillars of support in this journey.  We may be a subset of the huge Dec 14 mummies group, but this subset will always be the most special one to me.

We’ve had quite a few playdates, our pregnancy photoshoot and our babies’ 6mo photoshoot… may there be more milestones photoshoots and celebrations together!

Sarangheyo! 😚

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Our very first play date when the bubs were less than 2 months old.

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CNY 2015 “Keep Calm and Collect Ang Pow” playdate.

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SG50 Playdate at City Square Indoor Gym today.

To find a group of good friends at the ripe old age of 33 (I am 33 until I hit my birthday this Sunday!), I am indeed blessed.

That two loud thuds that cracked my heart

This morning at 34 Weeks and 1 Day, Little Foot fell off the bed. Thankfully she landed in a fortunate spot. Still, we wish we were more fortunate.

The mister had decided to place her beside me for morning feed and had gone to the living room to get his breather.

[Note — my brain never functions well between 6am to 930 am. That’s the time I’m dead to the world after pockets of night feeds.]

Apparently, she had gotten her feed, but she got bored and decided to explore the new-found side of the world. Only a few days ago, she finally figured out how to roll to her right. My guess is she was reaching for the much coveted aircon remote and the even more coveted handphones on that side table. So she fell off. Two loud thuds (probably something hit the side table first) woke me up and my heart cracked. I screamed and retrieved her. Luckily she landed on her Daddy’s big buckwheat pillow on the Totoro futon that he’s been camping on.

She cried for about a minute, latched for comfort and then moved on. How nice that babies can forgive easily. I was left pondering why it happened, why no one placed a bolster there. And I spent the day searching for a bump or looking out for any signs that she might be hurt more than we realised.

Well, here’s her at music class today.

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Completely energetic. And feisty as usual. She even mastered arms out in carrier today, and found a new fetish for the texture and sound of plastic bags. So we can safely say she’s feeling good.

I guess this marks the start of Little Foot’s Adventures around the house and into the world…. and a signal to really try to finish babyproofing the place asap.

Daddy as usual could still say jokingly that we should make her a milestone card that says “Today I rolled off the bed for the first time”.

At times like this, I know whether to laugh or cry. May be easier to strangle him and make him a milestone card for it too. Hmmph!