Day 6 …. caving in to the bottle

Our dearest Little Foot arrived on 6 Dec 2014, weighing in at 2.645kg and 47cm.

Went through an emergency Cesarean Section after we got stuck at 4cm dilation from 5pm onwards, after inducing the birth, breaking the water bag, and starting the epidural at 920am.

Haven’t blogged since the birth. As you can imagine, her arrival was so much joy and then subsequently a lot of adjusting and attending to her needs.

I wish I could say I am coping well. I actually thought I was coping well… since I wasn’t really shagged out with the frequent waking up, and am happy to nurse her as often as she needed. I wasn’t getting all moody and cranky like some women would after delivery. Yet sadly, my milk supply doesn’t seem to be enough. The jaundice is creeping up on her, and we’re going for a 2nd follow-up at the polyclinic for that in few hours’ time. The last visit, the doc suggested that she wasn’t having enough milk.

Last night, she bit me…. I guess her appetite increased, but my milk supply didn’t. And so we caved in and agreed to feed her the bottle, with the 1/2 ounce that I managed to pump out in between her feeds. She wiped that out in 5 seconds, and then looked at us for more. I never thought I’d obsess over this, but it was a heart-wrenching moment saying, “Ok, give her the formula milk”.

So we caved in to the bottle and we caved in to supplementing with formula milk.

I guess whatever is best for baby is the right decision, but I just woke up at 3am to cry. It’s the hormones I swear… but I really truly miss her. With the bottle, she can now sleep in her own room with the confinement lady, instead of beside us in her cot. I miss the tiny precious presence in my room, breathing in the same space. I miss sitting up despite the pain from the stitches just to see her angelic face sleeping soundly.

It’s only Day 6, and I’m already going all emo over our little girl,  the little girl that the gynae pulled out of my stomach and made me stream tears of joy when i heard her kitten-like cry for the first time while lying on that cold table paralysed chest down by epidural. It’s only been less than a week since I was lying down in the delivery suite hoping for the dilation to happen and to meet her soon… praying and crying with Long when it didn’t happen and we decided to do the C-Section with the gynae’s advice.

All those moments are getting fuzzy as we start adjusting to life as three. I just hope that courage and wisdom will continue to stay with me as I learn to override my emotions and make the best choices for baby Emma.

I just went to check on Little Foot who was feeding from the bottle in the living room before I started blogging, I guess I have to learn to not obsess about it and learn to let the confinement lady take care of her at night too. Hopefully I’ll have milk in the day for her and we can play in the day.

One day baby, you will talk back to me, even bitch at me like how I do with my own mother at times when she gets into ridiculous mode… One day you will tell me to set you free into the world to be an adult and just watch you soar from afar… The day will come when you give me heartaches when you choose your friends and then a special someone over your mummy and daddy. When that day comes, I will try to remember you in your first weeks of life, all angelic and so cute, we both kept remarking that we can’t believe we created someone so cute and perfect.

I guess I now understand a mother’s love… the love that makes me spring out of bed, ignoring the pains from the operation wound the moment I hear a squeak from your cot, the love that makes me say “I can do this”, when she cries for milk, even when I’m sore all over. The love that made me not swear or push you away because you bit me… the love that made me say “Make sure you choose her over me if something goes wrong in the operating theatre and you have to make a decision”.

Love you to the moon and back, my Little Foot…. and maybe even more than that.

I won’t forget all the dates we had while you were in my tummy for 38 weeks. Thank you for giving me a new perspective on life…thank you for being so brave during the 12.5 hours labour.

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