I hope you forget tonight

Dear Little Foot,

I hope you forget tonight,  a night where you cried big tears as you resisted sleep. A night where you refused to latch, and tried to struggle out of the carrier. A night when Mummy said hurtful things to you in desperate exasperation as nothing worked and you just kept crying and throwing a tantrum.

Every day with you should be a blessing, even on such days. Yet there are times when I can’t help but ask God why he took my health away from me. In exchange I got you ….and loss of sleep … and loss of freedom and my old life.

Forgive me for the harsh words that spewed out. I don’t love you lesser on these days. It’s just Mummy is bring a brat and still adapting to our life. And next week, we both will have to adapt again as my work comes back into the equation.

Good night my baby…. please don’t resist sleep too often.  I’m sorry that I fail you on days like this.

I love you.

XOXO,
Your still P-plate Mummy

Afternote:

After a night’s rest, and some reflection, we seem to have put last night behind us…. In this whole trying situation, Daddy also got a tongue lashing from me. I guess it’s every mummy’s dilemma –  I need help, yet don’t know where I need the help, so we leave the daddy helpless and waiting to be scolded. 

There are bad nights, there are good. One article popped up on my Facebook feed – don’t let your child’s behaviour drive you crazy. Look beyond the behaviour and ask yourself what your child needs in a situation. My knee-jerk tantrums together with her crankiness really didn’t help the situation.

Sighh… motherhood, there is still so much to learn. Next time, I will try to be much better. 

One of those nights…

After a busy weekend (as always), I have just jumped on my bed like it was a trampoline thrice in the last two hours. With Little Foot in my arms. Singing “Jesus loves me”.

Makes for a funny sight I’m sure, but my frustration at this disturbed sleep which has been occurring the last few days is real. 

I guess this is the sleep regression the other mummies speak about. Learning too many things in the day, being over-stimulated while out in the day, play too much in the day, all affects baby’s sleep. 

Although I’m resigned to the fate that she may not sleep through the night anytime in the near future (seems like a common problem for co-sleeping and direct-latching babies), this sudden wakes and bawl (with eyes shut) is really mentally, physically and emotionally trying. The only way to pacify her is to jump up and down on my bed like a mad woman. And then she falls into a fitful sleep in my arms. 

So now… second time with her asleep in my arms, sometimes fidgeting… going to be challenging to put her down without waking up.

One thing’s for sure. It is going to be a loooooong night.