It is Day four of helper’s two weeks home leave… Actually the real challenge started on Monday since weekend the papa is around.

I’m already tired. Actually I’ve been tired for a long time.

I find I hard to explain to those who scoff at this remark. Why other stay at home mum’s (sahms) can do it, while I need a helper when I only have one baby.

It is too tiring to explain – especially when I know it’s not going to change their mind about how they judge me – that I have spinal issues and a poor health history. Yes, strong – willed people can also be sickly.

Even with help,  I have a mostly direct-latching breastfed baby which means no one can help me much when it comes to feeding, especially the night ones.

I envy those who can handle 1, 2 or even 3 kids on their own. How they do it is beyond me.

After every bath of Little Foot’s,   I just want to go somewhere and lie down / catch my breath. Remind myself each time “do not fall over or drop her!” I enjoy the bath times though… it’s one of those things I want to be able to do for her everyday.

Little Foot is quite the little explorer, but this time alone came at a period where I will be hit by sudden bouts of breathing issues… maybe it’s the haze, maybe it’s my backache. Naysayers will say it’s all in my head. Maybe it is?  So there will be little exploring to be done these two weeks. I feel apologetic about it, but safety first, I remind myself.

Two months left to return to work, yet I have not only not recuperated, but seemed to have deteriorated… It bothers me. Trying to take it as one of those hurdles in life…and just keep saying “for her sake, I must and I can go on”. And pray.

I wish I could do this singlehandedly without a sweat, just like others make motherhood look like a walk in the park, but the body is weak.  Now i can only hope to wing it with sheer grit.

Trust me, some days, it does get depressing when I think of how useless I am.

So to the next person who wants to judge me for being a sahm with maid. I pray each day to be able to watch my girl grow…. would you trade your good health for my broken body? If not, just zip it already.

And so.. 10 days to go before Aunty Lily is back… GOD, keep us safe ok?