My imperfect husband

“That’s how marriage can be. Two imperfect persons trying their best to make themselves perfect enough for the other, and accepting that the imperfect other is what God has gifted you.”

Friday, I cried briefly.
In frustration, in anger.
I questioned why I married this man.

Recently, we changed routine, so he drove and I went back to public commute – the long walk, a short squeeze on the train, and a long walk uphill in the morning. Reverse that for the commute home.

I hate it. Even though it’s just one stop.

And my health hasn’t been good –  weight is still creeping downwards, back still giving me grief, and let’s be honest, I am having a lot of panic attacks. Just turning onto the highway for a long drive can cause me to have clammy hands. The world seems to cave in whenever the MRT door closes.

So back to Friday… no dinner at home, so I went to buy dinner on my way home. Texted the husband, only to receive no replies, so I just assumed he needed food and bought for him too.

Carrying laptop, milk and ice pack,  food for three people onto the train… my shoulders were aching. Train was packed (when is it never?)… And then my gastric acted up.

Husband replied. He just reached home. Thanked me for dinner.

My first thought was, “if I could remember you need food, why couldn’t you remember I may need a ride home?”

Tired, sad, disappointed, feel cheated. He said if he took the car, he could pick me up after work. He only did it once.

I have become less than an afterthought.

I somehow plodded home without fainting, just a lot of cold sweat. I reached home, dropped the food on the dinner table, briefly said hi to Little Foot and went to lie down in bed.

At that point, I hated my life… I hated how weak I have become – physically and mentally….I hated how my other half can never remember my existence when away from me.

Fast forward to today.

He dutifully did his Sunday morning duties, changing diapers, feeding Little Foot,  bringing her down to play, while I slept.

We went out the whole afternoon — went in search of lunch and then spent the afternoon at Gardens by the Bay. He accommodated me when I said my head was pounding and let’s not go to his parents’ place. We went for waffles and ice cream..and visited two playgrounds.

By many women’s yardstick, Papa Long would have been a flying colours papa. And I agree.

I guess you could say he is a better father than a husband, or maybe, like how I have forgotten how to be a good spouse, so has he.

Online, people tend to post their fairytale stories. Everyone then goes green when envy.

I thought I’d post a real human story instead, so perhaps everyone else who’s dealing with a less than fairytale life can say “ok, I’m not alone here”.

The fact of life is, when life overwhelms, we become careless, thoughtless, mindless.

In the end, it is what we choose to do with the situation. Take it to heart and drown in the anger and sadness, or let it go and be the bigger person.

I chose to cry. And I asked why he didn’t think of asking me if I needed a lift. He gave me his reason (a lame but real one — he was caught in a jam and urgently needed to pee, so he chiong home). And I moved on.

No he didn’t apologise.

I married a person who is also human, and who somehow believes a wife is a person who can be as capable and strong as he is. So my guess is, he’s going to continue to forget me until he reaches home, he’s going to not buy me a mothers day gift because “you are not my mother”, and all the thoughtless things he will do… because he’s too logical for his own good.

And yet, I am not walking away. Because I already knew these before I married him.

For all the careless and thoughtless ways, he is my life partner… the one who has shared ups and downs, braved through life’s scary moments with me, who never got mad at me.

And he is Little Foot’s super Papa.

Love is easy…Marriage is hard work.

We will continue to bicker about what is important and what a husband should do for his wife (the ongoing debate about whether he ought to buy me a branded bag will probably last till we are 90 yrs old), we will continue to irritate each other because our language of love is different.

That’s how marriage can be. Two imperfect persons trying their best to make themselves perfect enough for the other, and accepting that the imperfect other is what God has gifted you.

I made a decision to get over Friday’s incident and stop dwelling. If I hadn’t, it would have been impossible to have thoroughly enjoyed myself today.

When we shared a waffle today, it almost felt like we were dating again, except that Little Foot was trying her best to get her hands on the ice cream and the water and everything else in front of her.

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Here’s us at Gardens by the Bay

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And here’s him dealing with the wormy Little Foot while trying to drink a coffee and eat the waffles and ice cream.

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50 thoughts on “My imperfect husband

  1. Wow.. I can totally relate to your story.. Esp. the part abt having panic attacks and also having a logical husband who doesn’t think it’s necessary to give his child’s mother a mother’s day present.. Thanks for sharing your story and reminding me that sometimes people tends to post fairytale stories in Facebook and makes us feel envious and depressed why our life is not as perfect but we won’t really know what is actually going on in their real life.. Very motivational blog.. Just want to say that you are doing great.. Jia you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Stay strong… When your daughter grows bigger, your relationship with husband will be better.. My husband went thru all these due to tiredness from work and small kid..

    Like

  3. First time I’m reading your blog. But thank you, coz on this particular day I feel so much better after reading this piece. Indeed, we all grew up with fairytales and continued dreaming for the perfect man which feeds in our facebook and IG…

    Love is easy. Marriage is hard work.

    Like

  4. What type of perfect husband you looking for??? Do u know there is someone’ husband cannot affort to buy car, everyday after work, home,eat,watch tv,sleep without sharing the job of taking care children. Dont even spend the day hanging out wt wife. If Even go out , have never help to carry the kid at all.
    If your husband not good, just divorse, i believe he is perfect for someone else.

    Like

      • Hey Lok, try reading the whole story before being so judgemental. And if you did and still don’t get her point, oh well….can’t comment further.

        Like

    • Get out of here, your negavity and narrow minded shit isn’t needed. I fail to understand badly how anyone can be downright judgmental.

      Every marriage has their own struggle, DIFFERENT KIND of struggles. If you can’t relate or understand then just simply shut it. No one is in a position to talk down or talk as if they’re in a better position to know another’s struggle and deny their feelings.

      Like

  5. dont worry, he is just fine…& yes u r not alone..

    my husband did not even notice that i’m vomiting in the toilet in the middle of the night, he was awake & watching his favorite drama with ear piece …we have a 2.5 yrs old son too..

    but i know he is the one who will just accompany me in another 40 years…sometimes men are just not that sensitive & sentimental in a way

    lets take good care of our selves 🙂

    cheers

    Like

  6. Well, that’s life. I ride bike to work and for my part time while he took bus home and care for our little one. I bought my own branded bag and present for him too. He would never want to spend a penny on branded bag but food as he said food is more realistic.

    So, life is to make imperfect perfect. We take 2 hands to clap.

    Like

  7. Thank you for reminding me to take note of the little things that hubby does for us. My hubs is a super logical person too “flowers don’t last. Waste of money.” N yet he bought me a bouquet cos I nagged. Hahaha… Jia you.

    Love is easy. Marriage is hardwork. Fully agree!!

    Like

  8. Sometimes we all reap what we sow, communication is one of many privileges some of us are able to share, as much as we love our partners sometimes it is better to express ones thoughts than to just simply settle, to improve your relationship in life if you want or would like to make it better share your thoughts of your story with him, if he is a great husband and father as he seems to be, he will step up and contribute more into this relationship, most men are not aware on how to have a life partner or how to have a truly loving relationship, Steve Harvey and Dr. Phil have written books on relationships and life code, help yourself and your husband to have a fantastic relationship from this day forward.
    Loved your store of reality, a lot of relationships rings the same bell tone all to often, you can have a happier relationship and family.

    Like

  9. Your husband is awesome. As long as he is faithful to you, you got a winner! He is good-looking too! You are a lucky mother and wife!

    Like

  10. It started when certain women tend to post their so called “fairy tales” on social media and forgot there are many who may not be lucky as them. Or there are others who do not bother to show off their happiness on social media just to get tonnes of “likes”. I am married for 8 years, dated 7 years with my hubs. Life wasn’t the same when we have 2 munchkins. At times, I was like you. Questioning my own decision to get married as I can be better off single. I will have my freedom, financially free, negative in law conflicts, 1km drive to work instead of now 40km drive (one way, it means 80km a day = 3 hours a day!), etc. But having second thoughts, looking at this face, sometimes I know he has his own difficulties. He is a man. A not romantic, not rich, not handsome kind of man. But to be positive he is a very filial son, a good man who is always ready to help anyone, a man with never die fighting spirits although falling down numerous times and most importantly, he can help me to change the baby’s diaper, bath, feed them, take care at night and once in a while, I get few hours off on weekend to hang out with my bestie. I somehow tend to feel that those like to show off their happiness are more sad. I could not comprehend the affections they prefer to show to their partner/spouse online instead of face to face to thank, to kiss or just whatever they want. So, I decided to unfollow those friends and my life has been happier. You go girl! We are normal. Normal people will encounter ups and downs in their life. This is how we stand by each other through good and bad times.

    Like

  11. I feel you. Im married for 9 years, has 2 boys, 7 & 4 yrs old. My husband do not help with the kids until they are after 3 years old. He has not celebrated mothers day with me either. But he is filial, dos not drink or gamble, takes good care of the family financially and is now very involved with our kids. Let’s learn to appreciate our husbands for their goodness and praise them when they do well! Men strive well on praise & acknowledgement!

    Like

  12. Good read. Might not be the best but at least this story might have salvage some marriages out there and giving ppl the courage to strive on!

    Like

  13. Thanks for the brutally honest post. I am one of those who browse my news feed and wonder why others can find such wonderful husbands and mine is… Well… Can do better lah. At least now I can identify with you and say “I’m not alone” hope you find strength in knowing there are readers out there feeling just as exasperated

    Like

  14. Wow! I can totally relate to your feelings. My hubby may not be the romantic kind but he takes care of my gals well. In life, you gain some, you lose some. Quite difficult to have the best of both worlds…a romantic and thoughtful hubby and a responsible dad. So I’ve learnt not to complain abt him not celebrating valentines day with me so long he takes care of the family. In marriage, compromise is the key for it to last happily.

    Like

  15. Thanks for sharing a real life situation where I was also caught not once but a few times! I wrote a super nasty email to my hub and cried myself to bed once. He treated me better after that, so you should sometimes just rant it out, it will make I feel better. Hugsss!

    Like

  16. I’m totally with you on this babe. A lot of times, I also ask myself why I am married to someone who is “not as automatic as I am” and after the drama, I realize, he is afterall a man, a human being, not made to be like us women and mums. My hubby tries his very best. I am very picky about a lot of things, but he stays with me through all that nonsense I put him through. And like you said, best of all, he is my children’s super idol and playmate. I wouldn’t change anything for the world. My hubby is imperfectly perfect, but so am I. And he’s accepted me for who I am. Stay strong girl. You and I know, everything’s gonna turn out just fine.

    Like

  17. Hey thanks for this post! This is my everyday , especially during school holidays (the hubster a teacher). The 2hr commute, the walk up the hill and back home… The frustration of being forgotten… And the then realization of the many other reasons we chose our hubbies for .. :p I so feel every word…

    So on days when u feel this again… Remember u r not alone.. 🙂 and breathe…then remember the love that does exist between u both. 🙂

    Like

  18. But…sounds like you all don’t have husband who stop you from buying things for yourselves.. Well, I have to ask for permission for buying things..most of the times the logical man will say no to something expensive even if I really like it..and we are talking about using my own earnings… I shared half the cost of the car so at least I get my ride to work n back on most days..thou I need to get permission to drive it for my own use.. Grass is always greener on other sides…

    Like

  19. This paints the truth in many marriages. If we choose out, then we will be out of the marriage. I think it’s great you chose to be the bigger person, and see beyond the immediate creature comforts, but of equal importance is communications. Why aren’t you communicating how you feel? Not saying you are blaming him, but rather tell him how you feel. Do you feel left out, forgotten, validate your feelings. Tell him all that. Marriage can be stronger if both parties are open about each other’s feelings.

    Like

  20. It’s how we handle the hard times in our lives that defines us.
    I commend you for sharing your story and feelings.

    Like

  21. Love is easy, marriage is hard.
    Reminded me to appreciate my life now. We, sometimes just forgotten to look at the other side of human, and have to remember no one is perfect.
    I am the one choose to marry this guy and of course knew that flowers and all special dates wasnt register in his mind till now after 8 years of married. But, he is still the perfect one for me and my kids.
    Fairytales in marriage hardly exist, if you are the lucky one do appreciate it. If not, it is just normal 😃😁😀

    Like

  22. Hang in there, you are not alone *pat pat* And yes, you did know all these before you got married, yet you chose to marry him. I can understand how you feel, thus I kept a blog too for if there’s any rambles, I do it on my blog instead of at the hub. *hugs*

    Like

  23. I always think that marriage is to let go half of yourself and accept half of the other. More important for a couple move on is a active communication. I think it is ok for either of you to voice out your concern it think something is not right between you two, instead of keep quiet. By voice out your concern, your partner will have better understanding on what he did right and what he is not, even this might eventually trigger a fight but believe me, those fight are essential and is a crucial step to keep you 2 synchronise. Only by keep synchronising each other step will make the couple move far. Otherwise one fine day you will find that your partner will become a complete stranger to you. Things changed! people changed! all the time. Good luck to you!

    Like

  24. Thanks for writing this post.
    Its straight to the point and real and brave.
    I agree it’s hard work too, but as long as you recognized it, life can only get better.
    You can do it!
    ❤️

    Like

  25. Count the small blessings that you have and you will be happier and less stress. I am a single mother and it is tough to go through things alone. Having someone who shares your problems and is there for you is alot easier then when you are alone.

    Like

  26. Life is just a journey. Live it up, not down. Do not seek the reasons behind all actions and reactions from others and you will live a happier life. Expect from yourself much more than you expect from others. Be independent and do all that you can handle without a complaint.
    Doing all these with a smile, the appreciation will come from others eventually.

    Like

  27. U should have a little chat with your hubby. 🙂
    For my side is the opposite case
    I do confinement for my wife n kids as my Mum not willing to do so n confinement ladies are exp.
    Well I am quite pro in it ^_^
    My both kids are very close to me, as I always take care of their needs from eat, drink, toilet, doctor, teaching, clothing, toys.
    I will never forget about my wife v day present or a nice planned dinner for her birthday. Or a Christmas outing just for her.

    She only like to play her HP games, or watch Korean drama on her HP n sleep after our day work.
    Daily upon reaching home I only want a simple chat with her but she jus carry on with her usual stuff.
    This 7 years of marriage I only receive once bd present 🙂

    Well in the end I still love her the same.
    Been in marriage have to give n take. girls are to be love ^_^
    Jia you mummy

    Like

  28. Eventually ugly truths or not so perfect reality always turns out to be the most beautiful memories as we age! 😀 Is a blessing though.

    Like

  29. Since young we often compare and complain about people and things around us.. life is never perfect and even if it does, humans are never contented and never satisfied.
    Learn to appreciate each and every day to make life a better living for you and people around you.

    Like

  30. Hi, communication in a relationship is very important, if you needed him to pick you up from work, tell him and make him understand. All these needed time to work on it. Jia you

    Like

  31. I do realize that I might be that kind of a husband in the future. Care-less for my other part and yet still being together. But it’s doesn’t mean that we don’t love or need each other. Just that, maybe everyone is comfortable with each other own things, so care lesser for each other.
    But I still think that it’s normal coz imperfect partners can still make perfect marriage for life as long as u can forgive and forget to little problematic things.

    Like

  32. Husband must be an Aquarius..
    Well its rarely someone post an actual life story.
    Intresting read, i mean if someone is capable of doing something on their own, we wouldnt want to interfear, trust that they could make the right decision.

    And just sometimes one will help another i guess?

    Like

  33. Men are generally insensitive. The sensitive ones are mostly gays. Which is not what we want.
    A little frustration, a little hate, a little sadness, all these are how much we love our husbands. A little work, more communication will make it all better. Be happy!

    Like

  34. Ok here’s a guy’s perspective:

    Guys are logical beings, Gals are emotional beings.
    Go read Man are from Mars Women are from Venus if you haven’t done so, and you’ll find so much of it is true.

    When we marry, we all make sacrifices, to our routine, habits and down to what we eat/drink.

    Guys are direct and logical – why waste money on useless flowers when you’ll only place there, take some pics and throw it after a few days?

    Branded goods – up to the individual. I carry no branded goods as I find it a waste of money. $300 for a shoe you wear around, step on dirt? No thanks. $100 shoe will do, and wear for 1 year. Buy an expensive wallet so that you can sit on it when you place it in your back pocket??
    Disclaimer: I bought a branded bag for my missus, but most of the time, she kept it packed as she fears the mold, dirt, deformation, scratches etc… And only used 3 times (almost 1yr old). To a practical man, those money can be saved in the bank and still earn interests!

    Guys do have their stress, just that we don’t show it openly, be it not to show their weakness, or make her worry. Some things like:
    1. Job security? Guys are expected to be bread winners.
    2. Parents? Sons are expected to care for their parents vs daughters. (of cos there are exceptions)

    So yes, we may want to spend our weekend playing game or watching TV, but it’s our way to destress.

    Much different from gals, who shop and talk to do the same. And do spare some thoughts for the guy who have to stand around and carry your bags while you shop.

    And yes, I did get my fair share of complaints from my missus for reduction in rate of things like flowers, expensive dinners, gifts before and after marriage. But I think guys make up for these in their own ways.

    Like

  35. Dear fellow mummy
    Thanks for sharing.
    In my marriage tt i am still mending for my kids’ sake, I have been thru worst.
    Let’s learn to count our blessings as we go along.
    Sometimes our spouse may fail our expectations. For we are imperfect humans.
    Try putting God in the centre of ur marriage. Be a praying wife, a short prayer a day works wonders. Hope it works for u too.

    Hugs frm a fellow mama

    Like

  36. Oh my! Your post makes me feel so much better when im actually lost! I dont have a husband but boyfie who everyone dont see why are we still together. But still im here, with him, the senseless him, the him who is forever not gonna be romantic (maybe once in a purple moon), the one who always argue with me over tiny things, the one who is too logical for everything, the one who speak love with different languages, the one who totally dont get what love means by my definition, the one who doesn even know im angry or frustrated or what i need, the one who doesn apology for letting me drive to his home and leave in anger and he didnt even open the door or say bye to me and think thats my fault. Oh gosh. Sometimes i’ll wonder is it our love is at the end already, or he simply doesn love me that much, or i just mean nothing to him. I see no road for this relationship yet i myself dont know why, im still there after shouting several times for breakup. Deep in my heart i know him, he’s good, just he’s not my worm, and he got no heart (yea he admitted it) in putting more effort, as he thought love should be in the much natural way, where two doesn change to adapt to others. Said and action always different thing. Sigh.

    Like

    • Argh, hit the wrong button. Did i mentioned i drove to his place at the middle of the night?

      So days after, i choose to calm down and talk about it when he obviously neglected me. I mean, being senseless isnt his fault as this is his personality and cant be taught? But somehow i am always wondering, love is hard, would it be easier if it wasn him? But when think about changing him to another, that thoughts literally tear me. And i started to think about his good and forcing myself to be not so sentimental about his love. But being numb in a relationship could be tiring too. So guys out there, dont use nerd as an excuse, we accept your nerdy, but at least know it yourself and please us more and dont make us angry or at least just, bear with us when we get annoyed madness. 😃

      Like

      • I do feel that it takes 2 hands to clap. … even if he claps differently. The question is whether he actually does show love in his own ways. You need to dig deep inside and ask yourself honestly..

        Like

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