Uncategorized

I gave her my word…

alittlefootprint Leave a comment

​This evening, I fulfilled a promise we made in the morning. Because it is important to her, and it is important to keep promises to the little ones. Otherwise they won’t buy your empty promises anymore.  

Morning, Little Foot  wanted to buy bread from the vending machine (the latest thing in the neighbourhood). Papa was running late, so he didn’t stop to let her dawdle with the machine. She cried when we bypassed the machine to the car. 

So in the car we told her, “we don’t have any coins, the coins are with Mr Rabbit (My coin bank), and Mr Rabbit  is at home. Tonight you ask Mr Rabbit to give you coins, and you can buy bread. Ok?”

Little Foot stopped crying and said solemnly “Ask Mr Rabbit for coins for Little Foot..buy bread. Dong dong coins take bread from machine.”

And she repeated it several times en route to school. 

(I continue to marvel at how well she is now at expressing verbally)

*****

Evening when I got home, she was already changed out of her uniform and playing around …  I told her we can ask Mr Rabbit for coins now. And I brought the coin bank out. 

After her pasta dinner, we were off with a purse full of coins on the Smartrike to the bread vending machine.

Looking at her delighted face when she finally got to pick up the bread after putting in the coins, and proudly eating it in the playgrounds, I’m reminded that what I say may not mean much to an adult, but it means the world to her. 

And I am glad I remembered to fulfill what I said we would do. I would otherwise have missed out on the chance to make her day, had it slipped my mind.

Well, looks like Mr Rabbit may be emptied very soon! =X so he is back hiding in the umbrella cupboard!

Finally the 1st weekend of 2017 has arrived!

alittlefootprint Leave a comment

And so the first week of 2017 has finally come to the end. Phew! Welcome weekend!

Little Foot is slowly adjusting to the idea of lunch times without Mummy, even though she probably can’t quite understand why… and the idea that I may not be there to pick her up from school in the evenings.

Most challenging for Mummy is actually the idea that home is not quite so near anymore…

Having to join the majority of working Singaporeans in the daunting daily commute to and from work  (and which everyone b***hes about a lot) after having blissfully escaped the madness since 2011 is extra painful. Yes, it is a major perk to one’s sanity when you live close to work. 

And 5 years down the road, one does wonder where all these humans (and cars on the roads) come from! It never used to be THAT packed and congested!

I’m thankfully that Papa Long is able to do the afterschool pick ups. So there is some stability to our arrangements for Little Foot. 

It is still early times to say if it will all work out, but for now, one step at a time, have a little faith. I need to gain back the confidence I used to have. 

And when I’m feeling low or lost, to focus on what I’m doing all these for. 

Even if I miss her acutely.

It’s ok when it doesn’t work out

alittlefootprint Leave a comment

Recently,we threw in the towel on Shichida Method classes.

I’m not going to say whether this is a good programme or not, because frankly, I think half a year wasn’t quite long enough for us to judge.

We just decided it wasn’t quite so suitable for Little Foot and we called it quits in Dec. Much to the relief of Papa Long, who usually attends the classes with her.

Why? We think it wasn’t the best programme for her, despite some of the rave reviews. She was simply not interested and hardly participated willingly unless there were songs involved. We think she needs more time and space to enjoy life, and well, frankly, the real reason? We too were getting burntout from waking up on a Saturday to run to class with her.

Some time ago, my colleagues gave me the “you kiasu mama!” look when I told them Little Foot has classes 7 days a week. So I explained, myself. She’s in childcare during weekdays, and we have a 1-hour Shichida lesson on Saturday mornings (signed up when she was 3 months old, but only enrolled when she was about 19 months after several admin hiccups on their end). And she has her favourite Kindermusik lessons on Sundays, which we actually stopped for awhile, but brought her back when we saw how her face would light up whenever she heard the music from those classes. She still enjoys them as much as she enjoys going to the playgrounds.

Eventually, Mummy and Papa burnt-out before the little lady did.

She had boundless energy, but she didn’t enjoy the way learning was conducted in the Shichida programme. We also didn’t like that while one parent went in and tried to learn the methods to replicate at home (which we hardly had time to, since she’s in school for a full day), the other (usually Mummy) was loitering at Toa Payoh Hub eating roti prata or kaya toast or ran around trying to do some errands to kill time in that hour.

On hindsight, as first time parents, we (mainly Mummy actually) was rather a tad too ambitious.

I wanted to give my daughter the gift of a photographic memory, a gift of being able to grasp things easily. Which should make learning a breeze. And I thought I got it right. Wrong.

The end came when I almost hyperventilated watching the flashcards when I sat in for one of the later classes (because there was a change of teacher). In my mind, I was asking myself, “what in the world am I doing to my 20+mth old baby?!”

There’s a full road ahead for learning. Why make a toddler sit in a class and get bombarded by flashcards and velcro-ed activities? If it created anxiety for me, what does it do for a toddler? No wonder she was always exhausted after that hour and would crash out, with a frown on her face in her sleep.

And so finally, I admitted, it was time to leave the stress to another time, I’ve had enough. Let’s go get some fresh air, go learn to live like a human being, look at the clouds and watch the planes fly by. Breath the air, and marvel at the stars. Visit a farm, feed some animals and plant some plants. 


No hard feelings to other Shichida parents. It works for you, it didn’t for us. And I think as adults, we should just admit it and cut losses when we realise something doesn’t quite seem to be a good fit.

For now, we will let the world be the weekend tutor, and just retain the fun music sessions for her.

Ice cream anyone?

My little big girl

alittlefootprint Leave a comment

Quick post before I go off to sleep. 

20 Dec 2016. Little Foot officially promoted to N1 class. No longer in the babies class. 

I have mixed feelings… so proud of her for all that she had achieved in the last 5 months since she enrolled in the school. A little sad that I sent a baby to school and find that she has morphed into a toddler who speaks in short complete sentences, insists on putting on her owj shoes, disallows everyone from taking what she deem not to be theirs, who quizzes me “is that Papa’s car?”, and who informs me with great character  (read big tantrums) if she is displeased.
She sings on the way to school a lot these days, even though she does the customary clingy baby moves once we alight from Papa’s car. 

More mixed feelings when I picked her up during my lunchtime to find smaller toddlers in their own clothing walking unsteadily /being carried out of the school by their parents/grandparents. The adults told me they were there for a trial class, guess they wanted to see if it was what they wanted. I’m reminded that her teachers are no longer the same. She is yet again thrown to the winds of change.  

I’m reminded repeatedly that Little Foot is no longer a baby. Not yet 25 months, but like it or not, she has to progress yearly with those born in the same year. Even if she could be 11 mths younger. Didn’t we just blow out the two candles on the cake a couple of weeks ago?

Dear Little Foot, I know you can hold your own in  a world where you will have to first play catch-up, but then things will even out with time. In a world where you will be thrown out of your comfort zone regularly. Strangers have marveled at how well you can speak… they can make out the songs you sing and figure out the consonants you are not able to pronounce yet. And you have shown me that you are a survivor many times over (I still recall how you replied me when I asked you if your classmate who suddenly turned into a biter managed to take a chomp at you and you replied me very matter of factly that “E beat T!” Oops, I guess you managed to fend your itchy gums friend off!). Your teachers too have told me how impressive you have been, catching up with your classmates.

Always  baby in my eyes… and still leaving me to wonder when the day will come when you stop needing me to fall asleep with you while you comfort latch.

Always my baby no matter how tall you have grown. 

Always a baby even if one day you no longer need me to carry you from the car to the class. 

Hope the new class will be as fun and exciting for you! Let’s stay positive! 

A photo taken over the weekend. A Cape for my little superheroine!

 

Just before the clock strikes 12

alittlefootprint Leave a comment

​Eve of Little Foot’s Birthday. The little lady fell asleep on me, like how she used to do so regularly so long ago. I was reminded of the colic days. What a nice memory as we kiss goodbye to 1 Year Old.


I thought about this time of the night back in 2014….

Papa Long and I were lying in bed wondering how life would change from the next day onwards. And change it did… she was everything and nothing we had expected. Like a rainbow hurricane that came with all its wonders and its downsides and shocks. 

Our life revolved around this tiny baby with a huge personality. And she sprouted before our eyes. Too fast. 

In the past year, she has grown so much, from the little baby who goes to the Playground thrice a day, to adjusting to life in Playgroup. 

She learned to walk and talk this year, a long and wobbly journey….

She showed us she had a mind of her own, choosing clothes and shoes (sometimes mismatched). 

She fell in love with Hello Kitty.

I kind of miss the carefree swing-loving baby who grinned so widely whenever she was on the swings… at times I stop and wonder if we should have let her lead that carefree life a while longer.

I love this baby who likes to ask me for a piggyback, and who tries to impress me with all the things she can help me out with, and who tells us “oh-hei!” (Okay!) when we try to negotiate with her and manages to convince her. I love this baby who falls for my fake crying and plants me kisses and sayang me on my head. 

 Even the tantrums don’t make me love her any less. Just makes me a little short fused at times. (Don’t remind of of how I made a hyena scream 2 nights ago)


Dear Emma, thank God for you. And thank God you are you… all that we wanted and more. 

Happy Birthday my baby pie, may every birthday be just as memorable and emotional for us. 

TWO will be wonderful and memorable, just as ZERO and ONE were. 

You’ll forever be our baby girl. 

And remember, whatever you do or don’t do will never change how much we love you.   
Love always, Mummy. 
P.S. I’m glad we got to shower together tonight, but so sad that you vomited again. Stay strong and healthy ok? 

Deriving my own meaning in life

alittlefootprint Leave a comment

The past two days, I’ve been thinking very much about what is important to me in life. What is it I want my Little Foot to learn to value and treasure over other things in life.

Maybe because the story of that KiasuParents Founder (her side of the story vs the TODAY article) set me thinking…

Maybe because we have been hearing not so good news about the health of those around us….

Maybe because I have been reading/hearing discussions about the pursuit of a “better life”…

Maybe just maybe, it’s the flu that is making me just a little fuzzy-headed.

 

The Typical Route of an 80s Singaporean Kid

I spent my early years in a clueless paper chase. My parents set goals which consisted of “Don’t fail and I don’t want to be called to see the teacher/principal”. Basically, the line used to scare us was “If you don’t study hard and go to University, you will end up as a road sweeper”.

Hahahhaa… looking back, it’s hilarious. I mean, if I did sign up for roadsweeping now, no one would employ me you know? That job has mostly gone to strong and able-bodied foreign workers who operate machines to do the sweeping.

And so we didn’t dream, because we didn’t know how to. We just tried to avoid the scary black hole of “failing”, as prescribed by our parents.

 

Finding meaning

I then spent my 20s thinking about what I wanted to do with my life, and always drew a blank.

It is in my 30s that I kind of found my footing. I wanted to find meaning in my work. It is not about having the capability to be a mover and shaker, but in my own way, what I do must contribute to the betterment of others.

At the very least, don’t cheat, lie or do something that will make me ashamed to face my Lord when the time comes. Which explains why I couldn’t reconcile with my short stint in the advertising agency and swore never to go there again.

The idealist in me.

And so, I don’t really think I’m going to get rich with this philosophy. Does it matter?

It does on some days. When I see swanky cars on the roads and wonder how it would be like to drive that (hey, our current ride is really good, but it’s Papa Long who is paying for it and we will never afford the GTR ), or see so many nice bags and shoes and want them all. in those instances, I do wonder,could I have been in a “better” situation?

Maybe yes, but maybe I would also feel empty inside every night, even if I could say, a job is a means to an end. Because, even the means to that end matters to me.

 

Going in Circles

I keep going in circles asking myself, what is it I treasure most?

Strip it all away, get to the very core.

My health.

I feel it so acutely, because my health fails me consistently. I need to fix it for My Family.

I want to be here to root for my child as she finds her footing in life.

I want to be here to watch my parents as they too grow older, and hold them when they fall, just as they have done for me when I was small.

I want to be here to hold wrinkly hands with my husband as we walk into the sunset.

And in the end, I want to close my eyes and say “I have done it my way”.

 

 

The World is Your Oyster

I hate this term. I hated it the day  it appeared in the GP paper as an exam question and I haven’t heard it before. Obviously, I chose another question to tackle.
The world isn’t my oyster, it is everyone’s oyster, but to think the world owes me anything would be completely crazy. I’m just one of the many bodies (nobodies) walking this earth. And I want my child to understand that, and not misread this term. The world is filled with opportunities for everyone. No one is more entitled than the other.

It is up to ourselves to find meaning and what works for us. Even if you eventually derive that meaning from road-sweeping, there is nothing intrinsically wrong, because that is your meaning and it is an honest day’s work.

I want my child to face failures, to find her own self-worth, to derive what makes her happy (or at least not sad and empty inside), and to find her own psychological strength to bounce back from failures and disappointments. Because the world isn’t just your oyster.

I want to teach my child that it is okay to fall down and cry out loud, because hard work is required to fight for what we believe in, but if we give up, then we will never see fruition, so cry and then carry on the fight.

I want my child to know that it is okay to yearn for what others have that we don’t, but to walk away and say it is okay, because we already have more than others. And with that knowledge, know that even with what little we have, we can make someone else’s day, make things better for someone else.

And eventually, I want my child to understand, come what may, at the end of it all, what matters the most is usually nothing physical.

(The thrill of chasing the physical makes me happy for a moment. And then? It give me nothing more, except a full wardrobe and an empty heart. I have yet to reconcile with this fully because I still shop and buy a lot, but then we all have our Achilles’ heel).

 

I realise over the years that it takes time, and requires going round and round in circles, sometimes repeatedly, to realise what is truly important in our lives.

I think we need to give our children that space and time to go round and round in circles too, because, the process is important… when the time comes, may I not be the one who tries to stop Little Foot from going through the process, but to let her find herself while giving her all the support she needs to get there.

 

P.S. Maybe listening to Descendants of the Sun’s OST is making me feel acutely emotional too

Waiting up for Mummy

alittlefootprint Leave a comment

​

This evening I went for my long overdue haircut and got home only at 10+pm. 
I thought Little Foot would already be in bed, so I didn’t hurry and even opened the letter box. I walked in, went to wash my hands in the kitchen. And when I walked out of the kitchen, a teary-eyed Little Foot trotted out from the bedroom and greeted me with a silent, imploring face. 
She touched my hair and said “Mummy cut hair”. 

Aunty Lily must have been telling her that Mummy went to cut hair to explain my absence. 

Her tears obviously meant she had enough of waiting for me to get home while she’s sleepy already. 

Oh, my heart pinched a little. 

So we spent time opening the packages from Book Depository  which included 2 children’s books. We read one of them.  

She wanted milk.  We spent a bit of time in bed together, but Little Foot didn’t want to wind down and sleep. 

She wanted to stay up longer with me to play. And so I piggybacked  her to the living room, watched her play and helped her with some of the lining up of Hello kitty toys. 

She counted 1 to 8 flawlessly (first time she did it for me!). 

She was yawning but still wanted to play. I indulged her. 

Finally she held my hands and walked us back to the bedroom, then nursed to sleep. 

Tonight, I’m acutely aware of how much she had grown. 

And I’m wistful. The latch-to-sleep days may well be over soon. 
Tonight I’m also painfully aware that come 2017, my coming home later (and not being able to pick her up from school) will become a regular occurrence.  

It saddened me. 

I can only pray that she will be understanding of the limited time I can give to her and hopefully, we can find a good balance somewhere.  
Work and family – Two words that co-exist awkwardly together for every working parent. Sometimes we want to have our cake and eat it, but with finite time and energy, the best bet is to find a balance…and have good support from family to fill in whenever we are absent. I hope that I will be able to find that balance and not lose this closeness with my Little Foot. Otherwise, everything we strive for will be pointless and meaningless pursuits.  

Thanks for waiting up for me, baby. 

Love you always. 

A beach holiday with Little Foot

alittlefootprint Leave a comment

We just got back this week from Phuket Thailand. One of those last minute trips we booked because there’s Jetstar Promo. 

It was Little Foot’s first beach holiday trip 🙂

Travelling with Little Foot makes packing twice as complicated and of course, the luggage tripled! 

Still, being a 23mo toddler, we were rather brave and didn’t bring any food preparation items (unless you count the food scissors which we checked in but never used anyway). 

The hurdle for me is always the IDEA of travelling with her. All the “what ifs” and contingency packing…  medicines, snack supplies, milk. Throughout the packing, I’d toy with the idea of going for the trip without her, but would throw out the idea each time. 

However when we did get down to it, somehow it always ends up a good trip (this is our third trip afterall!). 

So here’s what travelling with a nearly 2-year-old is like:

 

We were brave (maybe foolishly). She had fever the night  before our flight and we still went ahead….carrying a lot of medicines and bringing the thermometer and koolfever with us. And plastic bags to deal with vomiting because she was having flu and cough.  

So Little Foot basically slept through the flight out (slight vomit before take off), and slept the 1st day away in the Resort. Brought her bear pillow and Tula blanket so the place felt like home.

The next day we went to the beach. Little Foot’s first time building sandcastles (apparently it’s Papa Long’s first time too!). But she still refused to walk on the sand. 

She also wouldn’t just chill and sleep on our picnic mat. So there was this strange sight of Mummy with Kinderpack laying on the mat. That is, after I’d rock her to sleep on the beach. Doing this among the bikini-clad mamas made me feel sort of an oddball. Nevermind, I enjoyed my Coconut drink. 

Food in Thailand is not too far off from our food, except with many more spicy dishes.  Little Foot didn’t have much appetite the whole trip, the flu was probably bugging her. And she didn’t like the rice much. So she mostly drank milk, ate baby seaweed  (she’s addicted to it), had some baby biscuits and ate random morsels from our dishes – club sandwich, Thai style kway teow, fried rice, fries and chicken tenders, some bread.

We also spent some time at Jungceylon, the mall at Patong Beach on the 2nd and 4th day. Loved shopping at Boots and Big C! And Emma rode her first Tuktuk. 

What’s a holiday without a swim right? We managed to get a short 10-min bob around the pool the morning before we checked out. 

And so that about it…Little Foot’s last chance to fly as an infant on my lap before her 2nd Birthday. 

What a different kind of beach holiday…. it used to be suntanning, snorkeling, kayaking, reading by the poolside or by the beach. For now, we can do very little, and the trip involved a lot of singing songs and YouTube videos, but it was still a good getaway for us, to recharge and to spend time together. 

Looking back, I do think it’s a good thing to remind ourselves to “just do it” whenever the unknown looks daunting.  It would have been a sad holiday for me if Little Foot was left behind in SG. 

Haha, I am a sticky mummy afterall!

Till our next trip! 

A year into working mum life

alittlefootprint 1 Comment

Facebook prompted me that “on this day” last year, I had posted a picture of the 2 bags that I packed ready for my first day back at my work. And Little Foot had seen me off at the lift lobby. 

A year has passed in a whirlwind of being a nursing mummy at night, rushing home, after work, struggling with bouts of illnesses, both her and me, and making milestones – her walking, her running, her first time calling us, calling herself, her first day in school, her 3rd teeth and more, moving from half day to full day in school,me dropping the daytime pumping at work, us changing cars… many days I find myself running, chasing after my thoughts. Too tired to think ahead of the next day or the next week. 

What I missed most about staying at home with Little Foot was being full witness to her growth. It was something I simply took for granted. I miss the constant closeness we had. 

I also miss going out to run errands, meet fellow mummy friends and my sisters at odd timings. I hate crowds and I wished I still had the luxury of going to Daiso and Uniqlo on weekdays afternoons. 

Working comes with its own sets of perks though. The idea of the paycheck coming in each month makes me comfortable, knowing that I can afford the nice things in life for us, without ever having to be thick-skinned and ask Papa to open his wallet (although I do swipe his credit cards when I order wet wipes in bulk). 

Working also means I get time to slow down and catch up on my thoughts, and feel normal. A day in a mad office is mostly less mentally draining that a Sunday giving Little Foot my full undivided attention. I mean, the boss isn’t gonna have a meltdown ‘cos you decided to go to the bathroom right? And I can have adult conversations, from Starbucks promotions to the latest pokemon catch, to discussions about who is more handsome in Descendents of the Sun. 

Work also makes me feel useful, using my brains and knowledge again, even on days I feel that my lack of sleep may have compromised the quality of my work, plus the feeling of “still a bit rusty”, I feel more confident as a person. At least the general sense of “I can do this” is greater at work than at home, since I can’t quite cook a proper meal, let alone try to cook while I have Little Foot blazing up and down in her walker.

Working also made me treasure quality time with Little Foot. Without the luxury of 24/7, I find I try to make every moment count more than ever before. Slotting in reading, meaningful play, tickles and cuddles in a 2-hour slot every evening,when I used to have a whole day to do them. 

Of course there’s exhaustion , especially since she started school in July  and I have been running to pick her up from school  during my lunchtime (I meet our helper there), buying takeaway lunches, getting her to bathe and nap, creeping away from her sleeping angelic face, and running back to my office again. 

It’s been a year of changes, and our routines are still changing as Little Foot continue to meet new milestones. It’s been extremely tiring at times, but I kind of sweep it all aside when I  see her biggest smiles  whenever I pick her up after work or if Papa managed to pick her earlier, to watch her walk very fast to the door exclaiming “Mameeeeee!” When I walk through our front door. 

Do I want my sahm life back? I guess there are parts I miss it, but it is a fond memory that will have to stay that way. 

Do I want the life I had before Little Foot arrived and tossed it upside down? I entertain fleeting thoughts of them on bad days (like when she doesn’t allow me to go to the toilet to relief myself, or when I sit down to my half eaten dinner that I started trying to eat 3 hours ago), or when there’s a lot of work to tackle and yet I have to put it aside to play with the animal safari truck,play fishing, watch YouTube videos, and only get back to them after midnight. And then make careless mistakes while I try to fight the tiredness off. 

Returning back to my work with mummy status is comparatively harder than if I had taken up a new job, I feel. I knew my competence level previously… and I give myself a hard time (inside my head) whenever I find myself lacking, because I knew I would have been able to do better if it was the old me. I try not to make excuses for myself at work too… so I find myself apologising more than in my pre-Little Foot life. And I try not to say things like “because we were up dealing with the puking all night…” a mistake is a mistake, I think telling a sob story isn’t gonna make a difference. It’s harder than one can imagine, because I am my own biggest critique.  

A a year on, I am getting better at it, but  still finding my footing. 

A year on, I  still wonders on some days what I have missed out on because I am not with Little Foot. 

Many more years to come, I  will ask myself the same question each November, “is this the right choice?” 

For now it is, but who knows what my answer would be in the subsequent ones?

For now, I’m just glad I get to hug her to sleep each night and know what she is growing well. 

My little merlion… and the mother who is not in control

alittlefootprint 2 Comments

We had an eventful weekend… plenty of activities lined up for Little Foot. And four puke sessions. 

Unfortunately for our poor baby pie, she was bloated since Friday and ended up vomiting 3 times on Saturday and once on Sunday. 

Somehow beyond the projectile sessions, she seemed completely fine and was her usual active and inquisitive self.  

Merlion #1 – 7early8early

First thing in the morning, she asked for milk when she woke up late ( Yay! It’s public holiday so we get to sleep late!!). Shortly after finishing her 120ml, half of that came out onto the mattress.  

After bath, she was fine…and restless. So we went to view the slide a neighbour put up for sale and brought it home.  She had about 20 rounds on it immediately. 


Merlion #2 – most memorable award

After an outing to Punggol settlement and a play session at BFF’s  place, we headed out in 2 cars to Ikea Tampines. Little Foot had been drinking green tea from the Hello Kitty Bottle, when the car was reversing… she suddenly made that oh-so-familar  face. Next thing we knew… she created a projectile inside the car….complete mayhem! Papa hurriedly got to us and carried her out where she vomited more. The seat and carpet inside our swanky new car…and my pants were the collateral damage. So we managed to clean our crying toddler up first. And parked her in the car boot while we waited for my bro and family to swing back to his house to get me spare pants. And waited for Papa to get some water  to try to clean the car. Luckily she was happily self-entertained by the 2 plastic bottles. 


Merlion #3 – silent in her sleep

We gave her very light dinner at Ikea. And when she got home she went to sleep after a bath. In her sleep near midnight… she suddenly turned to her side and puked. Without warning! 

This time I’m so worried… really wondering what’s wrong with her tummy. Nevermind…  we went to sleep after washing her up. Its not like going to KKH to queue up would make her feel better.  Let her sleep. 

Merlion #4 – and we thought it was over

Sunday. Bright and early we went for a birthday party…  cheerful baby was all ready to play! I pretty much put Saturday’s vomit sessions behind me. 

The party  was good…she won herself a sticker tattoo at one of the party games, played a lot in Cool de sac and then ended with a nice stars body painting done.  


Went to my mum’s place with a balloon in her hand…. she had milk lying down on the bed together with Kylie. Done, got up and out to look for Papa… next thing I knew, I heard the shout that she’s puked again. 

Didn’t dare feed her dinner…. gave her a few mouthful of oats. And then I nursed her to sleep.  

What a weekend…. 

What didn’t help was all the “wise words”…

The Papa had to guilt trip me about her diet. Ya… my fault that no one cooked her lunch on Saturday before we went out. He had all these “don’t give her this…. don’t give her that”… but she had to eat something right??

My fault that we go to some eating place and there’s no healthy kids meal (name me a place that does). And she ends up eating the ice cream when I didn’t ask for a float. 

As to why even her daily home food is too flavourful and like adult food…  also my fault? Maybe I’ve left it too free rein? I don’t know when it started, but her food became like our food…. I didn’t say retire the blender. I didn’t say add salt or soy sauce….c’mon, I was the crazy OCD mama who didn’t want her to touch any sugar in her first year! Of course the food in school doesn’t really help too, since it’s quite tasty. Foodie Little Foot is starting to be fussy now about tastes…it has disturbed me a little but I’ve kept quiet after my “suggestions” don’t seem to register in anyone’s head. And frankly I’m too tired with work and giving her all my free time to be a hawk. Some days I give her the ice cream so it buys me time to eat my dinner, since no one wanna help me there.

I’m the mother…I think I’m entitled to offer her an ice cream or a pack of chocolate milk. Maybe that gave everyone else around me the wrong signals that they can do it freely too. I can’t control what I’m not around to control. Or maybe I’ve closed one eye for too long. 

And sometimes I wonder why nag at me only… he keeps quiet and not tell our helper himself if he’s not happy about how she handles certain things. 

So Little Foot will now need to go into “rehab” back to healthy baby food…. Oh yah, I say only lor… Will anyone listen?  He say lor…will he do the disciplining and get her to follow his dream regime? Or I’m just the person who gets drenched in puke, pat her back to sleep throughout fitful nights and still get to hear the incessant chants of “you let her eat this eat that….”, and the person who has to sort everything out.  Oh yah… me. Just me. 

Why? Because I’m the mother. And anything happens, it’s my fault by default. Nevermind that I feel the most heartache when I have to watch her in her fitful sleep the whole weekend and I didn’t even sleep well. That’s the way the world works. 

Sad that I feel like I’m not in control and yet I get to bear the brunt. 
I guess when the little one is sick… tempers fly and fingers are quick to point at each other. You judge me, I have many things to say about your behaviour too. And we can start this crazy war…but I’m tired and I really just want to sort this out. I want to sort out many things, yet I am a lone ranger here. Obviously when I have a toddler trying to get a go at me and yanking at my top while I try to eat some dinner tonight and the father just sits back and half-heartedly act like he’s even stopping her, I don’t feel like I’m getting much help here. And everyday it is the same….every meal of mine is spent fending off the little one. While everyone pretends they are temporarily deaf and blinded. Some days I want to smash my dinner plate really. Some days I wish I could just eat outside so my food can actually go down the right tunnels and not cause me to also want to throw up from gastric pain. 
Just for once, I wonder what really went wrong. Maybe my general uselessness domestically is the problem. Or maybe I don’t make myself clear enough. 

Times like this, I  try to find strength by focusing on my Little Foot. 

I can do better.  I must do better.  

Or at least die trying to do better.