These three days have been particularly trying. I wasn’t sure which part of my body was the root cause – my back ached, my tummy felt strange, I couldn’t catch my breath,  and at some points I just wanted to lie down depressed and hope that was my last breath.

Grateful for family for throwing me several lifelines. They took turns to appear to help me with Little Foot… not easy because everyone has their own kids and are working.

I’m currently lying down with one koyok on my back. Earlier this evening we went to Ma Kuang at Toa Payoh Central for TCM treatment. Super happy that the acupuncture (either electric currents) gave me immediate relief on my back.  Also got four days of medicine till my next visit.

This whole episode really got me thinking about how I don’t have backup plans. .. and whether the current arrangements work.

Sighh… I’m no super mummy… and I feel guilty that I think of offloading my child to others, yet the reality is I cannot do this alone unless someone can miraculously fix me. Yet I don’t want to ever be held ransom by my circumstances.  Need to think harder and deeper.

Really, is this the best for Little Foot?

Little Foot has fallen ill…

The inevitable had to take place, yet when it happens, as a parent, I can’t help but blame myself for my poor decision – making… for not being kiasu enough… sighh… As a parent, the most heartache moments is seeing your child cry in pain. It tugs at all your organs and your very soul. I want to cry when I hugged Little Foot and told her it’s alright when inside, I don’t know whether it is. Over and over, I apologised for her plight. Long has been quiet about it, but his face and one liner “it was your choice” said too much. It was my fault…. and he’s disappointed. Trust me, so am I.

When a child is sick, blame games doesn’t work much for her. I have to remind myself, let’s tackle this bug first.

Everyone speaks of how good breastfeeding is for the baby’s immunity and health. So we have been blessed to only have encountered colic and bouts of tummy ache related to her sensitive digestive system. And constipation as we started solid foods.

I’ve kept her mostly at home, rather than run out on a whim, because I know there’s a viral thing going around. Some of the other Dec babies have already caught it on and off. We haven’t managed to get her insurance because we needed to be discharged officially from KKH for her neck issue first. So yes, I have tried to be careful.

So we were completely caught off guard, when after celebrating her 2 bouts of poo on Sunday night, the shit just kept coming on Monday (6 soiled diapers). Tuesday morning was decision – making time again. Wait for PD appt scheduled for afternoon? Or run to another PD in the morning. She had already had 3 soiled diapers times by 10am.  By then, I’ve spent the night asking myself what did I do wrongly and beating myself up over it. Mentally exhausted. In the end, Long decided for me. Just wait for the afternoon appointment.  We killed time by cutting fingernails and playing as I kept staring at the clock.

Eventually, PD’s diagnosis confirmed my nagging suspicion. It’s viral.

So I cancelled on the playdate this Saturday.  I will also have to see if she’s completely recovered for baby Kylie’s Man Yue party next Sunday.

I won’t be playing the blame game anymore. All I ask is that as parents, please always be very kiasu, both for your child’s and other children’s sakes.  I took an assurance that it wasn’t contagious at face value, and my poor baby is paying the price for it. I can’t help but be angry. The old me would have smashed my bedroom in anger and coupled it with my fanciful vocabulary of swear words, but the me now, as a mummy, that’s not my privilege to do so anymore. Tackle the problem and the virus first.  Get angry? No time.

Welcome to motherhood, with all the bells and whistles, kinks and knots.

My only consolation?  Hey, this is her first time fall sick. At 7.5 mths old, it’s quite a decent record considering that Mummy has almost zero immunity. (Oh yes at this point, the virus has also attacked my sinus and respiratory system. Fml.)

7mths old today! I’m always the excited mama whenever it’s time to take out another milestone card.

Let’s see… in the past month,  we’ve seen Little Foot making more noise….. always ‘tatatatataaaa” and some softer sounds as well. She’s more steady with sitting up now and yes she figured out how to flip back after she flips on her tummy.

The past month, we’ve spent a lot of time alone together thanks to my mum’s kitchen renovations. Makes a me tired and happy mama all at the same time!

This few weeks we went for the big Dec Mummies 6 mth old party, we’ve also gone for the Panda mummies & babies group photoshoot yesterday. Indeed, being SAHM and having things to fill up my time now, I kind of forget that I will need to return to the “battlefield” come Nov. (Try not to think about it).

Thought its time to write about our situation coping with the constipation due to weaning. I keep feeling like the clock is ticking while I’m still banging around figuring out this whole baby weaning gig. (..And we thought life would be smooth once we outgrew colic?!!)

Baby’s had three bouts of constipation (and I’m talking about “9 days no poopoo” kind of scale) already and I’m getting a little disheartened. I hope while we take it slow, she won’t become malnutritioned!

What peeves me is that Little Foot wants to eat and I have to be the bad guy that says no! She’s exactly how my mum described me as a baby….milk and food comes she cannot wait. She sees her milk bottle or bowl, she’ll immediately start banging and making noise, signalling “give it to me now!”. She stares without blinking when she sees us eating,  she would try to reach out to grab the food, and her mouth would move too. And everything we’ve fed her, cereal, carrot puree, papaya puree, even jar prune puree she wallops them down.  I feel so sad for her…. she’s ready for food  but her tummy isn’t quite ready, and I haven’t found the magic pill that would help her poo poo. Even papaya and prunes did nothing for her T_T

I’ve also carried her to baby TCM massage at Yu Guo for 4 sessions over the past 3 weeks. The whole “it takes time” thing about TCM is just too slow for my liking, but yes despite a backache, I carrier her in the Tula all the way on the train there on 2 occasions. While I do find the massage helpful in reducing her bloating and helping her break wind,  what I don’t quite like about Yu Guo, despite its popularity among mummies and grannies, is the fact that each visit I may not get the same sinseh. We’ve been there four times, I’ve repeated my story four times, and the advice on a) what and how much food to give and b) how frequently I should go back for follow up is always different.  Imagine, I was told by one sinseh, “come back at least 7 sessions consecutively” and I diligently babywore her there for 2 days in a row, only to be told by the next sinseh “no need so frequent, once a week enough”. My thought bubble at that point was this “wah lau eh! WTF?!!” bubble!

Before TCM, I obviously did the kiasee mama move of visiting the PD.  He gave us three suppository pills to standby, and we’ve used the last dose today after we had another 9 days no poo situation after last Saturday’s celebration over getting our first unassisted diaper full of crap in almost a month. Next time must remind myself not to jinx things by celebrating.

So yes, yet another hurdle for Little Foot to overcome..goodbye colic hello constipation.  Little Foot needs to grow stronger fast! All the yummy food are waiting for you to taste them!

Our Little Foot turned 6 months old on Saturday. I said I would mark the day with something special for her, and I think it wasn’t too much of a flop despite almost no planning… Our mini party of three started only after we attended my cousin’s baby’s full month party.

We got a swiss roll from the famous Rich & Good cake shop at Kandahar Street and I as you can see, the decorations were a mish-mash of animal toothpicks from Daiso, together with things I had painted (no time to rubber stamp and paint these days, these were found from my scrapbooking cupboard, painted when I was pregnant).

Little Foot seemed to liked the milestone card a lot more than the cake though 😛

So now we have reached 6 months, I can officially heave a sigh of relief… anytime now, if my supply dwindles, I can at least pat myself on the back and tell myself “Well done, I’ve made it this far”.

Over the past month, she’s grown more, started to blabber, flipped over (now she routinely does her roti prata moves), and has made several futile attempts to crawl. Not stable with sitting up yet, but she can sit and stand on the sofa with something propping her. And boy, has she got a temper, our feisty little girl!

Oh yes, and she also made her first overseas trip. We brought her to Hong Kong for Disneyland.

One week shy of six months, I decided to start her weaning process. So she’s had a week of organic rice cereal (1/2 tbsp with 20ml ebm), and has tasted pureed organic carrots (also mixed with ebm).So far, so good, no allergies, except that she does seem a tad bloated (although not as bad as when she was a newborn and taking formula milk). So now with food in the picture, I can be assured that she won’t starve. Still holding back on giving formula milk, although my MIL has been routinely asking us whether she has started milk powder. It is really hard explaining to the older generation that bm is better, so I just kind of stopped trying. It seems that they have this disdain about latching, and unnecessary fear that the baby would latch for many years to come. I’m not anti milk powder, just that the thought of reliving the nightmare makes me want to delay that as much as possible.

All these progress and milestones are taking place before my eyes day after day, and I’m still filled with wonder…. this not-so-tiny girl came out from my tummy! I catch myself looking at her newborn photos and videos a lot, reminding myself how far we have come over the past six months. Lots of laughter, tears, sweat, milk and loss of sleep… how we made it this far, I’m pretty stunned myself.

Thank you Little Foot for everything…

… for unbreaking my heart when you decided to directly nurse again at 40 days old after pushing me away at week #1

… for the toothless smiles you throw my way all the time

… for always searching for my face in the room, wherever you are, whoever’s arms you are in

… for learning to flip first on your left, because that’s the side you will find me at night

… for always wanting to hold my hand while you nurse

… for all the check-to-cheek, kisses and hugs you give me from the moment you open your eyes

… for the saliva-covered hands that sayangs my face each day

… for forgiving me quickly each time I cleaned your nose, or made you uncomfortable

… and so much more that you have given me, just purely by existing.

Happy 6 Months Young my love! Years later, I hope I will still be able to remember your baby sounds and baby face… your baby smell and your baby smiles…even your baby tantrums. By then, you may already have let go of my hands and be holding on to your own Little Foot’s hands. I can only imagine… 🙂